Top 5 Reasons Why People Cheat

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I have many clients emotionally scarred from relationships that ended with infidelity, an affair, unfaithfulness, cheating, adultery or whatever you want to call it. Most of the time they struggle to understand why it happened, how it happened and whether or not it could have been avoided. From the perspective of someone who has never cheated, it seems unthinkable. From the perspective of someone who has cheated, it may seem like anything but. Here are the top five reasons why men and women cheat.

5. They are insecure. There are few things in this world more gratifying than being desired by someone. The validation we get from this is hard to match. Often one strays from a relationship because they are anxious and restless in the situation they are in. They require stimulation and constant attention to calm their nerves. Even a terrific partner can be helpless in this situation.

4. They are unsatisfied. Even men and women with a healthy appetite for sex are frequently unsatisfied. Despite their best effort to stay focused and faithful to one person they find themselves wanting more than what they have. They feel deserving of a more-than-adequate sex life and will even stray with no intentions of jeopardizing their relationship just to get enough satisfaction that they need. 

3. They are insatiable. Hypersexual people don’t always meet their match. Even when their partner performs more than they want to this individual is still hungry for sex. Their thirst for sexual gratification can never be quenched and they will be incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship until they are able to deal with their addiction.

2. They are sociopaths. By definition this person lacks a conscience. Even if they may seem capable of empathy, they are merely acting and are always looking out for their own best interests. Sociopaths are master manipulators because they are more deceiving than narcissists. A narcissist may be completely unaware of their inability to feel. They deny remorse or gratitude. Sociopaths can seem to feel bad and can pretend to be grateful or remorseful, but they most certainly are not.

And the number one reason why men or women cheat, is because…

1. They want out. Because cheating is the ultimate show of disrespect and one of the most difficult things to forgive someone for, it is by far the easiest way to end a relationship. What’s there to talk about? Could you have driven them away? Possibly, but what difference does it make? Clearly this person is insecure, unsatisfied, insatiable, or sociopathic. Isn’t it also clear that they whether they want to admit it or not, they want out of the relationship?

Ultimately I beg my clients not to blame themselves. Either you acknowledge that you trusted and respected someone you shouldn’t have, or you accept the fact that they were too insecure or too self-centered to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. What you should never do is blame yourself.

 

The Secret to a Satisfying Sex Life

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Countless relationships end due to infidelity. Men and women cheat because they are insecure, unsatisfied, insatiable or sociopathic. There’s little accounting for the sex addicts or social deviants of the world, but there is a secret to satisfying those with a healthy appetite for sex, and to keeping them committed over the long run.

Because many couples become physically intimate before they’re emotionally intimate, both people usually operate under a lot of assumptions. All too often sex happens prematurely and it sets the stage for discourse before a relationship ever has a chance to really start. Early on its important to share what’s need to know, but it’s equally as important not to share too much information. Communicating your wants and needs is as essential to the success of a relationship as is having mutual respect and trust. And I think you should want, and need to be exclusive if you want, and need mutual respect and trust. 

Once you’ve agreed to only sleep with each other you will instantly increase your level of intimacy both physically and emotionally. Anxiety is relieved and sexual satisfaction is more likely. But just because you’re sexually exclusive doesn’t mean you’re fully committed. Yes, monogamy is necessary to being committed (in most cases) but a commitment involves much, much more. 

When you make a commitment you are promising to be there for someone through thick and thin. You invite greater expectations to be placed on yourself, not just by your partner, but by others as well. When you’re exclusive you’re merely agreeing not to do things behind the other person’s back and to keep things between the two of you. The exclusive stage is the time you take to focus on opening up and becoming totally intimate with someone. Only after you’ve done that should you dive into a commitment. 

By the time you’ve committed to someone you should have discussed your sexual history and shared all the things that you would only share with your lover. If you had been a victim of abuse or someone had cheated on you in the past, your partner ought to know. If you have a communicable STD your partner ought to know. If you have a fetish or fantasy, your partner ought to know. Over time as couples become more committed and more invested in their relationship they must also become more open and more honest with each other. I would be remiss if I said this is easy. To keep the spark alive you must want to keep the spark alive. You must try to keep it alive and your partner must feel like you are trying. Even if you don’t want to entirely play out their fantasy you can pretend to. Sometimes just giving your partner the thought and feeling that you want to fulfill their fantasy is enough to keep them satisfied over the long run. 

If you would like personal support, direction or guidance in your love life please complete our Getting Started form and one of our client coordinators will contact you.

5 Steps to Finding, Forming and Maintaining Lasting Relationships

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As a professional matchmaker and personal coach I find myself repeating a lot of the same advice over and over again. It’s remarkable how the more we change, the more things stay the same. The process for finding, forming and maintaining a long lasting relationship is the same for anyone looking for love regardless of your age, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, etc. If you keep these simple steps in mind your relationships will likely last, no matter what.

Be positive.  Doubt, uncertainty, skepticism, and fear are toxic to any relationship. Good faith, faithfulness, belief and trust are critical to success in whatever we apply ourselves to. Our relationships are no exception. When there is good reason to think or feel negative you may have to seriously reconsider whether or not you are in a relationship with the right person. But in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting some on yourself.”

Speak your mind. Communication is the crucible of any relationship. If you don’t discuss what’s on your mind it will inevitably reveal itself in your actions, inactions or general behavior.  Information properly conveyed creates context and knowledge that may otherwise be impossible to ascertain. Assumption is the mother of misinformation so unless you discuss what you’re thinking and feeling you are only more likely to disconnect and confound one another. Don’t decipher what they may be thinking. Ask them.

Amplify your values. As the depth of your relationship grows and your investment in one another increases you must firmly establish the principles for which you standby. Communication, respect and trust are the foundational attributes of any relationship and in order for you to increase the magnitude of yours you must increase these levels over time. To cross over the threshold of love you must completely communicate, respect and trust each other.

Fight fair. Conflicts arise in any relationship. They are inevitable. But fighting fairly is a choice. By going below the belt you compromise your credence and the validity of your argument is lost. Regardless of how the other person chooses to engage, you can always choose to fight fair or not. If you expect your relationship to stand the test of time you must learn your limits and stay within bounds.

Compromise. Those who give are most likely to receive. No matter what it is you’re looking for in your relationship, you ought to give to get. The best partners are the best negotiators so if there is something you desire from someone else you might want to know what they desire of you. Use that knowledge to get what you want. That’s the art of compromise. Those who master this have the longest lasting relationships of anyone I know.

If you’d like some personal support, direction or guidance drop us a line at contact@mastermatchmakers.com.