Dating Disparity In America

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With the exception of my commentary, nearly all of this post was derived from the research and findings of Wendy Wang and Kim Parker at Pew Research.

Pew Research Center has just released some telltale findings regarding marriage in America. I am color-blind when it comes to matchmaking, and I am as much for gender parity as anyone else. However, there are some startling statistics that relate to race, gender, education and employment that are worth noting and considering as you look for the “bigger better deal” in dating.

Let’s start with some of the more obvious findings. The average age of first time marriages for men has gone from 23 to 29 between 1960 and 2012. For women it has gone from 20 to 23. And now, ¼ of never married young adults 25 to 34 live with a partner. Why? Shifting public values, changing demographic patterns and hard economic times have all been contributing factors.

Somewhat unsurprising is that the proportion of single, never married adults who would like to get married versus those who are ambivalent or sure that they won’t has dropped considerably in just a two year span. In 2010, 61% of single, never married young adults said they would like to get married. In 2012, that dropped to 53%. 13% said they definitely do not want to get married and 32% are unsure (versus 27% uncertainty in 2010).

Some of the conclusions they found were not that startling. 46% of men versus 78% of women feel having a steady job is “very important” in determining whether or not someone would be a good potential mate. 62% of men versus 70% of women feel that similar views on having/raising children is “very important” when considering whether or not someone is marriage material.

This is where the rubber hits the road. According to authors Wendy Wang and Kim Parker,

In 1960, among never-married adults ages 25 to 34, the number of employed men per 100 women dropped from 139 in 1960 to 91 in 2012, despite the fact that men in this age group outnumber young women in absolute numbers. In other words, if all never-married young women in 2012 wanted to find a young employed man who had also never been married, 9% of them would fail, simply because there are not enough men in the target group. Five decades ago, never-married young women had a much larger pool of potential spouses from which to choose.

A lot of women that hire me insist that the man is at least college educated. That’s easy for them to say. Today, 1/3 of women over 25 that have never been married have at least a bachelor’s degree compared to ¼ men. When it comes to advanced degrees there are 77 never-married men ages 25 to 34 post-grads for every 100 women with similar educational credentials.

What has happened? In 1960, 93% of men 25 to 34 were in the labor force. Now, that participation has dropped to 82%. Additionally, median wages have dropped 20% over the past 30 years for men. And because the wage gap is closing between men and women as of 2012, among 25 to 34 year olds, women now earn 93% of the wages that men do. That’s up from less than 70% in 1980.

When it comes to racial differences it seems that in 2012 36% of Blacks, 26% of Hispanics and 16% of Whites 25 or older have never been married. In 1960 only 9% of Blacks, 13% of Hispanics and 8% of Whites 25 or older have never been married. Interestingly enough, 58% of Blacks believe that marriage is important if you intend to spend the rest of your life with someone, compared to only 44% of Whites.

In most racial and ethnic groups, men are more likely than women to have never been married. The major exception is among Blacks. In 2012, roughly equal shares of Black men (36%) and Black women (35%) ages 25 and older had never been married. In 1960, Black men were more likely than Black women to have never been married (12% vs. 8%). 

 

For Blacks ages 25 to 34, there are 92 never-married men for every 100 never-married women. When employment status is taken into consideration, there are 51 employed young Black men for every 100 young Black women. Among never-married White, Hispanic and Asian American young adults, the ratio of employed men to women is roughly equal—100 men for every 100 women. Several decades ago, there was a surplus of young employed men among Whites, and for every 100 young Black women, there were nearly 90 employed Black men.

Ultimately, Darwin’s law of natural selection will take over and the hunt for marriage will be about survival of the fittest. Women will have to outmatch each other in order to land an ideal mate. This is why it is so important to be on the top of your game when it comes to dating. Both marriage-minded men and marriage minded women will have to be their best selves in order to meet their match. Hiring a matchmaker, retaining a coach and increasing the frequency and modes of meeting people are all ways to increase your likelihood of finding a spouse.

There is one more conclusion worth noting. Previously married women are less likely to be interested in remarrying than previously married men. Only 15% of these women want to remarry versus 29% of these men. And 54% of these women state that they are “not interested” in getting remarried while only 30% of these men say the same.

To read the research from Pew please click HERE.

Texting Anxiety and Typing Awareness

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This post pertains to an article written by Jessica Bennett that originally appeared in The NY Times on August 29, 2014.

There is a conversation I have with every client I coach which typically occurs in our second session that is usually focused on “finding” the ideal match. When people meet in person (or even online) it is customary to end your conversation by exchanging phone numbers and planning to speak again soon. In the last 15 years this custom has been upended entirely thanks to text messaging and typing awareness features. NY Times writer Jessica Bennett gives a candid, yet harrowing account of the personal anxiety she suffers from, and is currently being treated for, because of this particular “minutiae” in society today.

…it wasn’t until 2005 that BlackBerry became the first big company to bring the “delivered,” “read” and “so and so is typing” features to mobile with BlackBerry Messenger, or BBM. Two years later, Apple introduced the iPhone with SMS, and four years after that, iMessage, which added a real-time element to otherwise jilted conversations.

That is why I contend that it is crucial for self-actualized singles to convey their preferences for how they would like to communicate with someone of interest. Don’t merely comply. If you prefer to actually speak with a person to arrange a date, as opposed to texting up plans, just say so. Although a text message has become the defacto way of opening a dialogue, it doesn’t have to be the only way of communicating. I suggest to use it sparingly and only as a means of conveying information, not conversing.

To read the entirely NY Times article about texting anxiety, click HERE.

To receive your own personal coaching and guaranteed matches, complete our Get Started Form HERE and you will be contacted by a client coordinator to go over options.

The Coupling Inequality Is Here

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For years the divorce rate has been a hot topic of conversation. Since the statistic was first measured it’s climbed steadily as the stigma of divorce has faded away. When The Great Recession began in 2008 the divorce rate actually dipped as unhappy spouses chose to stay in their relationships due to job losses, depressed home values and diminished savings. However, the same fear of financial failure has caused many more couples, and much more singles, to put off marriage altogether.

Bloomberg News was kind enough to share insights gleamed from economist Edward Yardeni in a recently published report to his clients entitled “Selfies”. After pouring over research from The Bureau of Labor Statistics Yardeni notes that “The percentage of adult Americans who have never married has risen to 30.4 percent from 22.1 percent in 1976, while the proportion that are divorced, separated or widowed increased to 19.8 percent from 15.3 percent.”

In another recent study conducted by PEW, researchers concluded that “nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.”

There are many explanations for why these trends are continuing and the implications are profound. In short, with gender parity increasing across the spectrum and less social pressure on women to marry and have children, women are choosing careers over relationship much like men have done for years. For the women refusing to “settle” in either, or both however, the choice isn’t always their own. Although many women would like to have it all, it seems that only the most elite are likely of doing so except in instances where the woman significantly out earns her male counterpart or the couple was formed earlier in life. The same PEW study about childlessness mentioned above also pointed out that, “While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.”

All of these trends combined have caused a new disparity to emerge in our society that I call ‘the coupling inequality’, the already massive and continuously growing divide between the most eligible women and most eligible men. Essentially, the number of physically attractive, well educated, high income, marriage minded women that desire children significantly outnumbers the same kind of men. Once beyond the age of 30 – 35, these men are predominantly seeking women 5 – 10 years younger than them. That creates an abundance of women in their mid thirties to early forties still hoping to meet their “equal”. I’d venture to say at around 30 this ratio is 2:1. At around 35 this ratio is 3:1. By 40 though, this ratio is 5:1 or higher.

Men who were already reluctant to “settle” because their attractiveness as a mate continues to improve, and the proportion of eligible women for them improves at an even faster rate, it only further exacerbates the “bigger better deal” complex. Because there are more and more eligible women to choose from as men become more and more eligible themselves, they are less and less likely to settle down until they meet a truly elite match. Now more than ever if women want to settle down before their childbearing years are up, and still want to have these kick ass careers, they are going to have to make meeting a match a priority and do something to give them a leg up on the competition. That’s where matchmakers like me come into play. But they’re also going to have to be more realistic in terms of the age, height, looks, education and income they would be willing to accept in a mate.

To read the article in Bloomberg, click HERE.

If you’d like personal coaching or guaranteed matches please complete an inquiry at http://mastermatchmakers.com/getstarted.

Does Texting Lead To Sex Sooner

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This article originally appeared on WorldLifestyle.com.

 

We asked best-selling author and ‘Tough Love’ host Steve Ward why texting is a game-changer when it comes to dating.  This is his explanation of why texting may lead to intimacy sooner than you think:

Texting has taken on an ominous role when it comes to communicating in relationships. Believe it or not though, research suggests it has actually peaked! Not because we’ve grown tired of texting. It’s because people are craving better forms. Instant messaging apps like WhatsApp and SnapChat are taking over and since this mode of communication is here to stay I thought I’d share some best practices with you to avoid dating disasters.

For some people texting allows them to push the envelope because they’re able to say things over text that they might not otherwise be comfortable saying in person. For many people of these people it’s easier to express their thoughts and feelings over text than it is face-to-face.

Texting is an accelerant to emotional and physical intimacy.  When you express your thoughts, feelings and desires over text it actually strengthens the connection between two people just as it would if it were expressed verbally. Mind sharing makes people more comfortable with each other, but it can also make people uncomfortable with each other as well. Studies show, however, that couples who frequently text each other are more likely to jump into bed than those who only use text when necessary.

Texting can be fine and fun, but you might want to consider these few rules of engagement first:

1.    Be as careful about who you sext as you are about who you sleep with. Anyone can take a screenshot and attachments can be saved, altered and shared with or without your permission.

2.    Only sext with protection. If you do feel the need to send a scandalous photo use an ephemeral messaging app that disposes of it automatically.

3.    Address people by their name so they don’t think you’re mass texting.

4.    Never send more than three texts in a row before getting a response.

5.    Don’t text and expect. If you find yourself waiting for a response you will grow anxious and aggravated very quickly.

Texting is flirty and fun but it does not substitute a real face-to-face conversation. Use it sparingly.

Ward will soon launch Love Lab, an agnostic mobile dating app providing credible verification for all dating connections.  According to Ward, the app will be the Swiss army knife for your love life…the peephole to your dating world…the Nev Schulman for your catfishes, Love Lab is the security you need when looking for love.
To receive personal coaching or matchmaking from Steve Ward and his staff please visit http://mastermatchmakers.com/getstarted.

When To Ask or Say If You Have or Want Children

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I coach a lot of women who are intelligent, beautiful, successful and childless. Most of them want a child really, REALLY bad. Some want a child more than they want a partner. A few just never really saw themselves as mothers and opted out of parenting. But I wouldn’t know where to begin telling stories of women who have been lead on, lied to or disenchanted to find out that the man they had been secretly hoping would father them a child, won’t.

According to PEW, “Nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.” This trend toward childlessness has doubled in one lifetime.

To explain this PEW cites a 2008 study titled, “The Future of American Fertility” conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research and states, “that social pressure to bear children appears to have diminished for women and that today the decision to have a child is seen as an individual choice.” They continue their explanation by saying, “Improved job opportunities and contraceptive methods help create alternatives for women who choose not to have children.” So if I understand that correctly, they’re saying that women have always felt pressure to have children, but the pressure is diminishing. Additionally, if I’m not mistaken, they’re saying that the diminishing gender gap in terms of income, employment and education is also contributing to this. That’s an odd derivation to make when the same PEW research concludes that, “While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.” Without citing any particular study, I’m pretty sure it’s a forgone conclusion that advanced degrees usually yield “improved job opportunities”.

Many of my childless female clients have taken steps to preserve their eggs and prolong the possibility of parenting a child. Some have started to initiate the fertilization process without a partner to parent the child with. However, not all of my clients are “wealthy” or privileged enough to afford to freeze their eggs, hire a surrogate, try invetro, or even adopt. For the women who can’t afford a procedure, and those who don’t welcome the responsibility of parenting a child of their own, on their own, it is imperative to discuss their imminent desire to find a mate. For the women brave enough to bring a child into the world themselves, or to take on the responsibility of raising an orphan alone, it is equally as imperative to let someone know those wheels are in motion or that ship has sailed. For the single moms who never asked to do it themselves and for the childless women who just don’t have the desire to be a mother, the advice is still the same. Talk about it. This is true for men as well.

There are many topics you want to avoid early on in dating. Children are not one of them. What’s the point of even exploring the chemistry if you’re not on the same page here? You’re saving both yourself and the other person a lot of time, trouble, regret and disappointment if you get this topic out in the open early on. How? Just like you would any sensitive subject. Carefully.

Asking about someone’s family while you’re on a date is to be expected. It’s a fairly safe zone just as long as their family is no more dysfunctional than the next. Open with a simple, but direct question. “So are you close with your parents?” A great follow up is, “How about the rest of your family? Brothers? Sisters? Nieces or Nephews?” If they haven’t brought up having kids of their own you can nonchalantly ask, “So are you the type that likes to give the kids back at the end of the day or do you enjoy (the idea) of raising your own?”

Just remember that its necessary to talk about this early and honestly. Avoid delay, avoid dismay.

If you’d like guaranteed matches, and/or my personal coaching, support, direction and guidance please complete our Getting Started Form, HERE.

To read the PEW research, please click HERE.

How Facebook Can Make You Less Likable

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The scientific community has been conducting extensive research lately into the effects that social networks have on our health and psychology. Facebook just revealed their own secret study where they determined that your mood can be altered for days based on the posts you see from others. They call this “emotional contagion” and it may indicate why someone’s Facebook status might make you sick.

According to research by Lydia Emery and her colleagues at Haverford College, couples that post the most “highly disclosing” status updates are the least likeable says Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Albright College, who studies relationships and cyberpsychology. She concurs with the study in a blog for Psychology Today but also adds that “in general, showing off your relationship on Facebook is a habit that happier couples are more likely to engage in.” So where do you draw the line?

Seideman writes that people whose Facebook profiles indicate they are coupled, who have profile pictures of them and their significant others, and post couple photos and affectionate comments on their own and their partner’s timeline, are in fact the happiest and most satisfied couples online. However, she has also concluded through a study of her own that disclosing your most intimate thoughts on Facebook makes you less likable. Clearly there is a fine line between seeming satisfied, “trying too hard” and “showing off”.

My advice for all the happy couples on Facebook is to maintain a healthy balance between your overtures online and your otherwise ordinary activity. What you say in your status update to your significant other could sicken someone who had no intentions of seeing it. I think its perfectly fine to celebrate your relationship with pictures, posts and updates that others might like to see but I suggest saving the most intimate of sayings for just yourselves.

If you’d like my personal support, direction or guidance, or that of our other matchmakers, coaches and coordinators complete our Getting Started Form and someone will get back to you soon.

To read the original article for Psychology Today, click HERE.

Why Are Women Leaving Their Amazing Husbands

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I am engaged to marry an incredible woman. She is strong, independent, and self-assured. She brings out the best in me. As I have been morphing into the future husband I know I can be, I have often stopped and marveled at how different I am from the man I was just two years ago. Moments ago, while we were enjoying our Sunday morning political talk shows, sipping coffee in bed and reminiscing about the night before, I came across this amazing blog in the Huffington Post, “Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned”.

Before I pontificate, I want to celebrate the insight and prowess of the HP contributor and applaud her for espousing her thoughts and feelings on the subject. In short, this is a consequence of the feminist movement – and I don’t think it is either a good, or intended one.

As women have been liberated from the household and released into the “man’s world” that they have fought so hard for a place in, they somehow got it into their heads that its their turn to have their cake and eat it too. This new breed of woman who kicks ass and takes names with the best of men around still expects to come home to the “hearth” and have her man be “the man”.

As a dating coach and matchmaker I am constantly telling women (and men) how important it is to have gender roles in relationships. I try to explain that even if you can do it all on your own you have to make your man feel both wanted, and needed. If she expects him to be secure with their relationship he has to feel like she can’t do it all on her own. She can’t do it…without him. And as one of these “androgynous” men I understand that so it goes inversely.

But even as the new world order of women out there continue to earn degrees, land great jobs, start businesses and dominate wherever they roam, they somehow determined that their “ideal match” is their equal. They decided that they want to be with a tall, good looking, well educated, successful, sexy man of the same age. They want this man to only have eyes for them, and to be completely enamored by them. What they want is almost entirely impossible. Those men that I just described who are still single are a rare, rare commodity these days. And they’re usually single because they’re incapable of being in a committed relationship. They are typically looking to date women considerably younger than them with little to no baggage. They want the smart, sophisticated, sexy woman who hasn’t reached their level yet. They want that “hierarchal connection” that this contributor refers to.

So in my opinion, I think these type A women of the world need a reality check and should start looking for the qualities that matter most in a match. They should look for a man who is “respectful, quality, caring, devoted, cherishing, authentic, and supportive” instead of the macho man with a big bank account and even bigger ego. My advice to these women of the world who are winning the wage war is simply this. Who cares if he doesn’t earn as much as you? He doesn’t need to be lighting the world on fire if you’re already doing it for him. He needs to be a partner that you can respect and trust and you need to be the same.

To read the article on Huffington Post, click HERE.

To receive your own personal support, direction and guidance complete our inquiry form HERE.

Match Challenges Eharmony Claims

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CBS News is reporting that Match.com has called bullshit on Eharmony.com and enlisted the support of the NAD (National Advertising Division), to publicly condemn them for it. The independent body that looks into advertising claims as part of the industry’s self-regulation has agreed.

As a result, Eharmony has issued a statement saying that they will not refer to its claims they have the “most marriages,” “most satisfied marriages” and “most enduring marriages” than any other dating site as “independent” considering that the two individuals who conducted the study used to work for Eharmony.

The NAD, which is operated by the Council of Better Business Bureaus, determined that the so-called “independent” study was flawed in several ways and could not account for the marriages that have occurred through the host of niche sites owned by Match, a division of IAC.

In our experience as professional matchmakers and personal coaches we have heard tremendous success stories from people who have met through dating sites. However, we have heard many, MANY more horror stories. At Master Matchmakers® we interview and scrutinize everyone we represent and qualify individuals to be matched on a case-by-case basis. Soon we will be launching a mobile product that allows you to prove you’re legit, as well as whoever you meet on your own.

To read the CBS News report click HERE.

To inquire about guaranteed matchmaking and personal coaching, please complete our Get Started Form.

Proof That Soul Mates Don’t Exist

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According to a recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology scientists concluded through a series of experiments that:

• Framing love as perfect unity can hurt relationship satisfaction.

• It hurts relationship satisfaction only in conflicts, not in celebrations.

• This content dependency supports metaphorical framing, not metaphorical transfer.

• Metaphorical framing effects are limited to targets to which frames are applicable.

What does that mean in laymen’s terms? It means that when you fight, and you’re the kind of person who considers someone your “soul mate”, your relationship satisfaction will be negatively impacted much more than if you simply had an idealistic frame of your partnership – you’re two individuals on a parallel path. This makes perfect sense. Why?

If you truly believe in the Myth of Romantic Love you will have a greater crisis of confidence and question your faith whenever a fight occurs. When you frame your partnership more realistically and fight, you’ll simply wonder whether or not this person is right for you. So what are we to do?

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology concluded, “that satisfaction is associated with idealistic, rather than realistic, perceptions of one’s partner”. In other words, it is imperative to focus on the positive and train yourself to idealize your partner. You must intentionally marginalize their shortcomings. But that doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to obvious issues. In this study researchers concluded that people who idealized their spouses when they married (focused primarily on their good qualities) were more likely to still be happy with their partner years later.

In my opinion these two studies suggest how important it is to maintain positivity, optimism and hope. However, considering the relationship preordained can detrimental. Balance your expectations and desires carefully or beware of the consequences.

SBW

If you’d like personal support, direction and guidance and the opportunity to meet your match, complete our Getting Started Form.

To read the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology study please click HERE.

To read the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study please click HERE.

To read about The Myth of Romantic Love please click HERE.

The Number One Sign Its Time To End Your Relationship

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When I came across this article on LifeHacks that suggested 14 signs that it might be time to end your relationship, I gave each one a lot of careful consideration. As a matchmaker and relationship expert I always ask my clients to look in the mirror first before looking to blame anyone else in sight. 

14. You don’t want the same things in your futures.
13. Nothing you do makes your significant other happy.
12. You constantly feel insecure.
11. You’ve been setting deadlines for your relationship to get better by, and they keep passing.
10. You fight all the time.
9. You cry all the time.
8. Your relationship is negatively impacting other areas of your life.
7. You never see each other.
6. You are flirting with someone else.
5. You don’t trust them.
4. You’re living on a future idea.
3. You find yourself lying.
2. You consistently say, “when X happens, everything will be fine.” In each and all of these situations I would ask you again to look in the mirror and see what your share of the responsibility is. However, when you see the number one sign, it’s time to go!
1. You find you have nothing nice to say about your partner, when you talk about her/ him to your friends or family.