Three Dating Issues

Steven Ward couple-on-a-dateDating While Unemployed

Without a doubt, the number one thing that women expect when meeting someone is gainful employment.  If you find yourself in a position where a woman wants to get to know you better, but you happen to be out of work, the best thing to do is to own up to your current situation. It is also important to put a positive spin on things.  With that said, don’t embellish or make excuses. That will only make matters worse.  Tell her that you are currently exploring your options and want to be sure that the next position you take is one that challenges, motivates, and satisfies you. Having a plan is always attractive, so be sure to let her know what you are doing to secure your next opportunity, whether it’s going back to school, tapping into your network, working with a recruiter, or going into another line of work altogether.  Just remember, above all else, to be honest and to be confident.

Steven Ward talk-to-womenApproaching Women

Many guys find that they can approach girls when they are in a group setting, but that when they are flying solo they have trouble going up to talk to them.  Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you’re getting ready to approach someone of interest: Don’t catch them off guard or seem like you’re stalking them;  Make eye contact, but don’t stare;  Smile and project confidence.

Once you both have recognized each other’s presence, it’s time to make your approach. Casually close the gap between the two of you and get within chatting distance. In the words of my old high school football coach, “use the KISS method: Keep It Simple, Stupid!” Don’t try to appear too witty and don’t be pushy.  Open with a simple question in the context of the surroundings – “Excuse me, do you happen to know the bartender’s name? I can’t seem to get his attention,” or something along those lines.  Ask questions that aren’t easily Google-able, and that won’t seem too out of the blue.

If she engages, introduce yourself, pay her a compliment, and assume she’s unavailable – “I’m sorry, I should introduce myself.  And you are? You seem like a great catch, is your husband or boyfriend going to appear any second?”  If she tells you she’s available, it should be smooth sailing. If she confirms your assumption that she’s spoken for already, tell her, “Well, he’s obviously a lucky guy. Have a great night.” And get out of there.

Also keep in mind that pickup lines rarely work.  And, as always, it’s important to be confident.  If you feel awkward, she will definitely feel awkward.

Steven Ward Dating-CoupleDating Someone Who Is Recently Divorced

Someone recently asked me a question on this subject, so I think it would be worth sharing it here with my response.

Hey Steve,

I’m dating a woman that I care about, but I found out she got a divorce two months ago. Am I her rebound? It seems too quick for her to be dating already.

You can’t rush to judgment. Without knowing the circumstances, it’s hard to say. You must consider a few things: Did she decide to end it? Did he? Was someone unfaithful? Did they grow apart? Could it be all of the above?

You must be sure to let her know how you feel. Tell her that you really care about her, and that you want her to do what’s best for her own well-being. If you’re ready to be in a relationship and she isn’t, or vice versa, it’s important for each of you to know where the other stands. Respect her privacy, her space, her time, and her boundaries. Showing your appreciation for these things will only help.

Most men and women I know who have ever been married actually enjoyed it. Whether they enjoyed their spouse, however, is another issue. The point is that she might prefer to be with someone than without someone. She may want the time and space to rediscover herself, or she may prefer the closeness and companionship that comes with a relationship. The only way to find these things out for sure is to discuss your hopes, your fears, your thoughts, and your feelings.  The things you want to happen won’t just happen on their own.

The Coupling Inequality Is Here

For years the divorce rate has been a hot topic of conversation. Since the statistic was first measured it’s climbed steadily as the stigma of divorce has faded away. When The Great Recession began in 2008 the divorce rate actually dipped as unhappy spouses chose to stay in their relationships due to job losses, depressed home values and diminished savings. However, the same fear of financial failure has caused many more couples, and much more singles, to put off marriage altogether.

Bloomberg News was kind enough to share insights gleamed from economist Edward Yardeni in a recently published report to his clients entitled “Selfies”. After pouring over research from The Bureau of Labor Statistics Yardeni notes that “The percentage of adult Americans who have never married has risen to 30.4 percent from 22.1 percent in 1976, while the proportion that are divorced, separated or widowed increased to 19.8 percent from 15.3 percent.”

In another recent study conducted by PEW, researchers concluded that “nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.”

There are many explanations for why these trends are continuing and the implications are profound. In short, with gender parity increasing across the spectrum and less social pressure on women to marry and have children, women are choosing careers over relationship much like men have done for years. For the women refusing to “settle” in either, or both however, the choice isn’t always their own. Although many women would like to have it all, it seems that only the most elite are likely of doing so except in instances where the woman significantly out earns her male counterpart or the couple was formed earlier in life. The same PEW study about childlessness mentioned above also pointed out that, “While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.”

All of these trends combined have caused a new disparity to emerge in our society that I call ‘the coupling inequality’, the already massive and continuously growing divide between the most eligible women and most eligible men. Essentially, the number of physically attractive, well educated, high income, marriage minded women that desire children significantly outnumbers the same kind of men. Once beyond the age of 30 – 35, these men are predominantly seeking women 5 – 10 years younger than them. That creates an abundance of women in their mid thirties to early forties still hoping to meet their “equal”. I’d venture to say at around 30 this ratio is 2:1. At around 35 this ratio is 3:1. By 40 though, this ratio is 5:1 or higher.

Men who were already reluctant to “settle” because their attractiveness as a mate continues to improve, and the proportion of eligible women for them improves at an even faster rate, it only further exacerbates the “bigger better deal” complex. Because there are more and more eligible women to choose from as men become more and more eligible themselves, they are less and less likely to settle down until they meet a truly elite match. Now more than ever if women want to settle down before their childbearing years are up, and still want to have these kick ass careers, they are going to have to make meeting a match a priority and do something to give them a leg up on the competition. That’s where matchmakers like me come into play. But they’re also going to have to be more realistic in terms of the age, height, looks, education and income they would be willing to accept in a mate.

To read the article in Bloomberg, click HERE.

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Why Are Women Leaving Their Amazing Husbands

I am engaged to marry an incredible woman. She is strong, independent, and self-assured. She brings out the best in me. As I have been morphing into the future husband I know I can be, I have often stopped and marveled at how different I am from the man I was just two years ago. Moments ago, while we were enjoying our Sunday morning political talk shows, sipping coffee in bed and reminiscing about the night before, I came across this amazing blog in the Huffington Post, “Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned”.

Before I pontificate, I want to celebrate the insight and prowess of the HP contributor and applaud her for espousing her thoughts and feelings on the subject. In short, this is a consequence of the feminist movement – and I don’t think it is either a good, or intended one.

As women have been liberated from the household and released into the “man’s world” that they have fought so hard for a place in, they somehow got it into their heads that its their turn to have their cake and eat it too. This new breed of woman who kicks ass and takes names with the best of men around still expects to come home to the “hearth” and have her man be “the man”.

As a dating coach and matchmaker I am constantly telling women (and men) how important it is to have gender roles in relationships. I try to explain that even if you can do it all on your own you have to make your man feel both wanted, and needed. If she expects him to be secure with their relationship he has to feel like she can’t do it all on her own. She can’t do it…without him. And as one of these “androgynous” men I understand that so it goes inversely.

But even as the new world order of women out there continue to earn degrees, land great jobs, start businesses and dominate wherever they roam, they somehow determined that their “ideal match” is their equal. They decided that they want to be with a tall, good looking, well educated, successful, sexy man of the same age. They want this man to only have eyes for them, and to be completely enamored by them. What they want is almost entirely impossible. Those men that I just described who are still single are a rare, rare commodity these days. And they’re usually single because they’re incapable of being in a committed relationship. They are typically looking to date women considerably younger than them with little to no baggage. They want the smart, sophisticated, sexy woman who hasn’t reached their level yet. They want that “hierarchal connection” that this contributor refers to.

So in my opinion, I think these type A women of the world need a reality check and should start looking for the qualities that matter most in a match. They should look for a man who is “respectful, quality, caring, devoted, cherishing, authentic, and supportive” instead of the macho man with a big bank account and even bigger ego. My advice to these women of the world who are winning the wage war is simply this. Who cares if he doesn’t earn as much as you? He doesn’t need to be lighting the world on fire if you’re already doing it for him. He needs to be a partner that you can respect and trust and you need to be the same.

To read the article on Huffington Post, click HERE.

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