Everything You Thought About LOVE Is Wrong

Aziz Ansari, a comedian who starred on NBC’s Parks and Recreation just wrote a book along with sociologist Eric Klinenberg on the subject of love, and why people have such a hard time finding it. The authors point out that since the mid 1940’s the number one way of meeting your match has been through “friends” (or matchmakers). It became increasingly more likely that you would meet your match this way until the late nineties when it suddenly started becoming more likely that you would meet your match online or at a bar or restaurant. Over the last 15-20 years the fastest growing way of meeting people has been online, but thanks to mobile tech disrupting online dating, it has plateaued and more couples started meeting their match again in a restaurant/bar than online. Although their data only goes back to 2010, I have no doubt that in light of recent research on Tinder the likelihood of meeting a match for a relationship online is only diminishing.

There was a brief period of time when more couples met online than in person. Once it went from plausible, to likely that you would meet your match online, suddenly the thought that you could meet your match in a bar/restaurant didn’t seem so unlikely. Heck, if I could meet the love of my life online why couldn’t I meet them in a bar?

Well if you are looking for love in all the wrong places and you are determined to meet your match one way or another I think it all just boils down to economics. If producing a meaningful relationship is the goal, what is the most efficient and effective way of achieving it? In other words, how much capital and labor do you have at your disposal?

I approach love like business, as I should. I am in the business of love. Ultimately we are the CEOs of our love lives. This is not a role that can be relinquished or reassigned as long as we are unwed. So I instruct every one of my clients to write a Mission Statement for their love life. Only after putting the goal into perspective can you assess your likelihood of achieving it. Share the mission with others. Seek objective criticism. If your objective seems feasible and you have determined the mission, the next step is to perform a classic SWOT analysis.

Once you’ve given yourself the stark self-assessment it takes for any business, individual or organization to grow, and you’ve accounted for your resources (capital and labor), you can develop concurrent strategic initiatives that must be followed in order to achieve your goal. I always encourage clients, family, fans and friends to make one of those initiatives enlisting the support of others. After all, its the been the number one way to meet your match for over 70 years.

If you have the means to hire professionals to assist you your chance are better than most. Just be sure to do your homework first and work with a firm that has a proven track record of success like ours. If you can’t afford the services of seasoned search agents like Master Matchmakers, the least you can do is find a friend or family member to venture out in public with so you can seek chemistry on sight. My only recommendation is that no matter where you meet someone get to know them in Love Lab first so you can be sure there is chemistry and trust before going on a date.

Don’t Use Online Dating to Compensate

steven ward nervous-guyOnline dating is so prevalent nowadays that it has basically become the norm among a certain generation (and continues to spread to older generations as well). I can’t say it doesn’t make sense. People don’t want to go on dates that might lead nowhere. Dating profiles serve as a screening process, after which you can make an educated guess, based on common interests, type of relationship sought, and level of attractiveness (assuming people represent themselves accurately), about whether or not the interaction is a worthwhile endeavor. But there are other reasons people look to the internet for dating, and it is worth being cognizant of them.

It’s important for people to make sure that they are not doing online dating because they are afraid to ask someone out in person. If the idea of talking to someone you are attracted to makes you nervous, this doesn’t bode well for the prospects of your first date anyway. This piece of advice is repeated constantly, but that’s because it always needs to be: BE CONFIDENT!

There’s something else people should think about when dating online. The very thing that makes these sites and apps so popular, convenience, is the very thing that people should be wary of. It doesn’t take a dating expert to realize that a relationship based primarily on convenience is not going to last. And if convenience is a basis for a relationship from the very beginning, it may wind up being a constant throughout, until, of course, the relationship becomes inconvenient and falls apart.

Here’s what it comes down to. Online dating in conjunction with an already stable dating life can be quite fruitful. So make sure you use this tool in that capacity. It should add to your ability to meet people, but should never compensate for inability or laziness.

Vulgar Vigilantes of Tinder & OkCupid

leadLauren Giordano/The Atlantic

Olga Khazan does a fabulous job of exposing the underbelly of online dating this week in a terrific article for The Atlantic. She writes on the catharsis that women get when they public shame someone who offended them with inappropriate messaging or requests online. Khazan cites a recent PEW Research Study that says of the respondents surveyed who have experienced harassment online, only 6% of them reported that the experience took place while online dating.

Based on what I’ve heard, either harassment in online dating is being grossly underreported in this study, or it is rampant in social networking, the comments section of a website, online gaming, personal email, and online discussion sites such as Reddit.

If someone you just met, or even someone you know crosses the line online, there are things you can do to stop them from contacting you or doing it again. First, take screen shots and document the harassment. Let the person know you’ve done this and that you intend to report them for abuse. Then block them. If they persist by contacting you in other ways you have a full blown criminal complaint on your hands. Posting their misdeeds on your own social media however is not recommended.

Its one thing to be seen as a whistle blower. But when someone who wants to innocently get to know you does a deep dive on Google or Facebook and notices this little exposé of yours, they might think twice about getting close to you. It would be natural for them to assume that you would be quick to share your private life publicly and that would scare anyone.

For this very reason we are building Love Lab®. Our solution to online dating deception and abuse is to create a mobile messaging app that proves the photo, identity and age of interested users. It also performs criminal background checks and allows people to trade disappearing photos and videos to be sure there’s chemistry before they meet.


If you’d like personal coaching or guaranteed matches from Steven Ward and his staff please complete our Getting Started Form

To read The Atlantic article, click HERE.

To read the PEW study, click HERE.

When Dating Online, Just Copy And Paste

Christian Rudder is one of the co-founders of OkCupid and to this day he is still crunching numbers and digesting its data. Because of his insider access into the databases of a prolific online dating site, he is able to get his hands on information that very few social scientists can. In his new book, Dataclysm: Who We Are When We Think No One’s Looking, Rudder looks at the mathematics behind online dating and sheds light on some of his most startling conclusions.

New York Magazine was kind enough to reprint a excerpt from his book that looked at the efficacy of messaging. The data shows that shorter messages receive the highest rate of response and that taking your time to compose a message is helpful, but only to a certain point.

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What was most interesting is that the research showed that copying and pasting a message is the most efficient way of communicating because the user will receive the highest proportion of messages replied to as it relates to the time spent composing the original message.

Sitewide, the copy-and-paste strategy underperforms from-scratch messag­ing by about 25 percent, but in terms of effort-in to results-out it always wins: measuring by replies received per unit effort, it’s many times more efficient to just send everyone roughly the same thing than to compose a new message each time.

 

To read the reprinted piece in New York Magazine, click HERE.

To have our matchmakers and personal coaches do the work for you, complete our Getting Started Form.

How Effective Is Online Dating

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Internet dating has taken America by storm. And with almost 125 million singles now living in the US, it doesn’t appear likely to slow down any time soon. At first matchmakers coast-to-coast felt threatened by this new way of meeting people, but as the industry matured it only reinforced the need for trusted intermediaries and experienced professionals.

San Francisco Gate author Amy Gaff reported this week on a recent study conducted by Aditi Paul, a doctoral candidate at Michigan State University’s Department of Communications. Aditi wanted to look at what happens to relationships of people who met online that don’t result in marriage.

She found that couples who meet online are not only less likely to get married, they are more likely to break up. Then she gave three reasons why she thinks online relationships are less successful than relationships formed offline.

1) Online dating has been shown to provide individuals with too many options to choose from that leads to a lack of exclusivity where individuals find it difficult to be locked into one particular dating partner when they know that hundreds of other potential dating partners are available. This also leads to delayed commitment to the person with whom they ultimately choose to date and start a relationship. This is because online daters know that they can easily look for other potential partners from the dating sites or SNS if the current relationship does not work out.

2) Relationships initiated online take more time to develop compared to relationships initiated offline.

3) Online daters have also shown to take more time to develop relationships purposefully in order to increase the level of trust with their partners, given some of the negative stigma associated with online dating. Eighty-six percent of online daters have reported being concerned about falsification of personal information and deceptive self-presentation of their dating partners.

If you’d like our team to do the work of weeding through the misfits for you complete our Getting Started Form.

To read the original San Francisco Gate article, click HERE.

To read the actual research study, click HERE.

Does Texting Lead To Sex Sooner

This article originally appeared on WorldLifestyle.com.

 

We asked best-selling author and ‘Tough Love’ host Steve Ward why texting is a game-changer when it comes to dating.  This is his explanation of why texting may lead to intimacy sooner than you think:

Texting has taken on an ominous role when it comes to communicating in relationships. Believe it or not though, research suggests it has actually peaked! Not because we’ve grown tired of texting. It’s because people are craving better forms. Instant messaging apps like WhatsApp and SnapChat are taking over and since this mode of communication is here to stay I thought I’d share some best practices with you to avoid dating disasters.

For some people texting allows them to push the envelope because they’re able to say things over text that they might not otherwise be comfortable saying in person. For many people of these people it’s easier to express their thoughts and feelings over text than it is face-to-face.

Texting is an accelerant to emotional and physical intimacy.  When you express your thoughts, feelings and desires over text it actually strengthens the connection between two people just as it would if it were expressed verbally. Mind sharing makes people more comfortable with each other, but it can also make people uncomfortable with each other as well. Studies show, however, that couples who frequently text each other are more likely to jump into bed than those who only use text when necessary.

Texting can be fine and fun, but you might want to consider these few rules of engagement first:

1.    Be as careful about who you sext as you are about who you sleep with. Anyone can take a screenshot and attachments can be saved, altered and shared with or without your permission.

2.    Only sext with protection. If you do feel the need to send a scandalous photo use an ephemeral messaging app that disposes of it automatically.

3.    Address people by their name so they don’t think you’re mass texting.

4.    Never send more than three texts in a row before getting a response.

5.    Don’t text and expect. If you find yourself waiting for a response you will grow anxious and aggravated very quickly.

Texting is flirty and fun but it does not substitute a real face-to-face conversation. Use it sparingly.

Ward will soon launch Love Lab, an agnostic mobile dating app providing credible verification for all dating connections.  According to Ward, the app will be the Swiss army knife for your love life…the peephole to your dating world…the Nev Schulman for your catfishes, Love Lab is the security you need when looking for love.
To receive personal coaching or matchmaking from Steve Ward and his staff please visit http://mastermatchmakers.com/getstarted.

5 Tips to Online and Mobile Dating Apps

My career in matchmaking and dating predates social media. I was bringing love into peoples’ lives before MySpace was a household name and before Zuckerberg launched Facebook. Online dating however, has been around since the chat room. I can remember as far back as 1993 when AOL personals replaced the classified ads that lonely hearts would place in the back of their regional magazine.

Although digital dating has evolved in the last twenty years, many of the perils and pitfalls remain the same. Here are some tips to make sure you’re not wasting your time online or setting yourself up for disappointment in person.


Speak before you meet.
 When you connect with someone through a nifty hookup app like Tinder or a dense online matchmaking site like Eharmony, you must make sure you have some sort of connection before bothering to meet in person. After messaging until your heart’s content, arrange to speak to one another before setting up a date. In today’s day and age, you have nothing to lose by giving your number out to someone you met online.

Do your homework. 
When you get the chance to speak with someone you met online, go on a fact-finding mission before you get together in person. You should know where they grew up, where they went to high school, when they graduated, where they attended college (if applicable) and where they now work before you plan to meet. If you get a home address and date of birth you can actually perform your own criminal background check of them online. This usually isn’t necessary if you have references so find out if you know any of the same people before you become friends on Facebook.

Meet in broad daylight. 
Whenever you get together with someone in person for the first time, and you’ve already met online, you never really know what you’re going to get. That’s why I always suggest meeting during the day and allotting only an hour or so of time. If its known in advance that you’d like to get together just to get acquainted and you end the meeting on a high note, both of you will have something to look forward to when you go on an actual date. If it’s a mismatch however, you aren’t trapped in dire straits.

Keep the texting to a minimum. 
Text messaging is asynchronous. When you get into the habit of texting someone too soon you may find yourself anxiously awaiting acknowledgement, engagement or a response. Although many people nowadays loathe the telephone conversation I still suggest placing a phone call and leaving a voicemail at least to express your gratitude, interest, or desire to see someone. Text messaging should only be used to convey messages you do not expect the receiver to reply to.

Always be gracious. 
Whether this mystery match turns out to be good, bad, or ugly, the number one thing you can do is be as gracious as possible. Word of mouth is now viral thanks to social media. And there are even apps now designed to warn women about scandalous men online. Lulu and DontDateHimGirl are just a couple products that come to mind. Your hope should be that afterwards this person you met would have something positive to say on your behalf.

Use common sense, follow this simple advice, and you may avoid a lot of wasted time and disappointment with dating online. If you’d rather save yourself the trouble, and spare yourself surprises, you could always hire my team and I to do the work for you. Just complete our ‘Getting Started’ form to be contacted.