Dating Disparity In America

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With the exception of my commentary, nearly all of this post was derived from the research and findings of Wendy Wang and Kim Parker at Pew Research.

Pew Research Center has just released some telltale findings regarding marriage in America. I am color-blind when it comes to matchmaking, and I am as much for gender parity as anyone else. However, there are some startling statistics that relate to race, gender, education and employment that are worth noting and considering as you look for the “bigger better deal” in dating.

Let’s start with some of the more obvious findings. The average age of first time marriages for men has gone from 23 to 29 between 1960 and 2012. For women it has gone from 20 to 23. And now, ¼ of never married young adults 25 to 34 live with a partner. Why? Shifting public values, changing demographic patterns and hard economic times have all been contributing factors.

Somewhat unsurprising is that the proportion of single, never married adults who would like to get married versus those who are ambivalent or sure that they won’t has dropped considerably in just a two year span. In 2010, 61% of single, never married young adults said they would like to get married. In 2012, that dropped to 53%. 13% said they definitely do not want to get married and 32% are unsure (versus 27% uncertainty in 2010).

Some of the conclusions they found were not that startling. 46% of men versus 78% of women feel having a steady job is “very important” in determining whether or not someone would be a good potential mate. 62% of men versus 70% of women feel that similar views on having/raising children is “very important” when considering whether or not someone is marriage material.

This is where the rubber hits the road. According to authors Wendy Wang and Kim Parker,

In 1960, among never-married adults ages 25 to 34, the number of employed men per 100 women dropped from 139 in 1960 to 91 in 2012, despite the fact that men in this age group outnumber young women in absolute numbers. In other words, if all never-married young women in 2012 wanted to find a young employed man who had also never been married, 9% of them would fail, simply because there are not enough men in the target group. Five decades ago, never-married young women had a much larger pool of potential spouses from which to choose.

A lot of women that hire me insist that the man is at least college educated. That’s easy for them to say. Today, 1/3 of women over 25 that have never been married have at least a bachelor’s degree compared to ¼ men. When it comes to advanced degrees there are 77 never-married men ages 25 to 34 post-grads for every 100 women with similar educational credentials.

What has happened? In 1960, 93% of men 25 to 34 were in the labor force. Now, that participation has dropped to 82%. Additionally, median wages have dropped 20% over the past 30 years for men. And because the wage gap is closing between men and women as of 2012, among 25 to 34 year olds, women now earn 93% of the wages that men do. That’s up from less than 70% in 1980.

When it comes to racial differences it seems that in 2012 36% of Blacks, 26% of Hispanics and 16% of Whites 25 or older have never been married. In 1960 only 9% of Blacks, 13% of Hispanics and 8% of Whites 25 or older have never been married. Interestingly enough, 58% of Blacks believe that marriage is important if you intend to spend the rest of your life with someone, compared to only 44% of Whites.

In most racial and ethnic groups, men are more likely than women to have never been married. The major exception is among Blacks. In 2012, roughly equal shares of Black men (36%) and Black women (35%) ages 25 and older had never been married. In 1960, Black men were more likely than Black women to have never been married (12% vs. 8%). 

 

For Blacks ages 25 to 34, there are 92 never-married men for every 100 never-married women. When employment status is taken into consideration, there are 51 employed young Black men for every 100 young Black women. Among never-married White, Hispanic and Asian American young adults, the ratio of employed men to women is roughly equal—100 men for every 100 women. Several decades ago, there was a surplus of young employed men among Whites, and for every 100 young Black women, there were nearly 90 employed Black men.

Ultimately, Darwin’s law of natural selection will take over and the hunt for marriage will be about survival of the fittest. Women will have to outmatch each other in order to land an ideal mate. This is why it is so important to be on the top of your game when it comes to dating. Both marriage-minded men and marriage minded women will have to be their best selves in order to meet their match. Hiring a matchmaker, retaining a coach and increasing the frequency and modes of meeting people are all ways to increase your likelihood of finding a spouse.

There is one more conclusion worth noting. Previously married women are less likely to be interested in remarrying than previously married men. Only 15% of these women want to remarry versus 29% of these men. And 54% of these women state that they are “not interested” in getting remarried while only 30% of these men say the same.

To read the research from Pew please click HERE.

The Coupling Inequality Is Here

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For years the divorce rate has been a hot topic of conversation. Since the statistic was first measured it’s climbed steadily as the stigma of divorce has faded away. When The Great Recession began in 2008 the divorce rate actually dipped as unhappy spouses chose to stay in their relationships due to job losses, depressed home values and diminished savings. However, the same fear of financial failure has caused many more couples, and much more singles, to put off marriage altogether.

Bloomberg News was kind enough to share insights gleamed from economist Edward Yardeni in a recently published report to his clients entitled “Selfies”. After pouring over research from The Bureau of Labor Statistics Yardeni notes that “The percentage of adult Americans who have never married has risen to 30.4 percent from 22.1 percent in 1976, while the proportion that are divorced, separated or widowed increased to 19.8 percent from 15.3 percent.”

In another recent study conducted by PEW, researchers concluded that “nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.”

There are many explanations for why these trends are continuing and the implications are profound. In short, with gender parity increasing across the spectrum and less social pressure on women to marry and have children, women are choosing careers over relationship much like men have done for years. For the women refusing to “settle” in either, or both however, the choice isn’t always their own. Although many women would like to have it all, it seems that only the most elite are likely of doing so except in instances where the woman significantly out earns her male counterpart or the couple was formed earlier in life. The same PEW study about childlessness mentioned above also pointed out that, “While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.”

All of these trends combined have caused a new disparity to emerge in our society that I call ‘the coupling inequality’, the already massive and continuously growing divide between the most eligible women and most eligible men. Essentially, the number of physically attractive, well educated, high income, marriage minded women that desire children significantly outnumbers the same kind of men. Once beyond the age of 30 – 35, these men are predominantly seeking women 5 – 10 years younger than them. That creates an abundance of women in their mid thirties to early forties still hoping to meet their “equal”. I’d venture to say at around 30 this ratio is 2:1. At around 35 this ratio is 3:1. By 40 though, this ratio is 5:1 or higher.

Men who were already reluctant to “settle” because their attractiveness as a mate continues to improve, and the proportion of eligible women for them improves at an even faster rate, it only further exacerbates the “bigger better deal” complex. Because there are more and more eligible women to choose from as men become more and more eligible themselves, they are less and less likely to settle down until they meet a truly elite match. Now more than ever if women want to settle down before their childbearing years are up, and still want to have these kick ass careers, they are going to have to make meeting a match a priority and do something to give them a leg up on the competition. That’s where matchmakers like me come into play. But they’re also going to have to be more realistic in terms of the age, height, looks, education and income they would be willing to accept in a mate.

To read the article in Bloomberg, click HERE.

If you’d like personal coaching or guaranteed matches please complete an inquiry at http://mastermatchmakers.com/getstarted.

When To Ask or Say If You Have or Want Children

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I coach a lot of women who are intelligent, beautiful, successful and childless. Most of them want a child really, REALLY bad. Some want a child more than they want a partner. A few just never really saw themselves as mothers and opted out of parenting. But I wouldn’t know where to begin telling stories of women who have been lead on, lied to or disenchanted to find out that the man they had been secretly hoping would father them a child, won’t.

According to PEW, “Nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s.” This trend toward childlessness has doubled in one lifetime.

To explain this PEW cites a 2008 study titled, “The Future of American Fertility” conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research and states, “that social pressure to bear children appears to have diminished for women and that today the decision to have a child is seen as an individual choice.” They continue their explanation by saying, “Improved job opportunities and contraceptive methods help create alternatives for women who choose not to have children.” So if I understand that correctly, they’re saying that women have always felt pressure to have children, but the pressure is diminishing. Additionally, if I’m not mistaken, they’re saying that the diminishing gender gap in terms of income, employment and education is also contributing to this. That’s an odd derivation to make when the same PEW research concludes that, “While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.” Without citing any particular study, I’m pretty sure it’s a forgone conclusion that advanced degrees usually yield “improved job opportunities”.

Many of my childless female clients have taken steps to preserve their eggs and prolong the possibility of parenting a child. Some have started to initiate the fertilization process without a partner to parent the child with. However, not all of my clients are “wealthy” or privileged enough to afford to freeze their eggs, hire a surrogate, try invetro, or even adopt. For the women who can’t afford a procedure, and those who don’t welcome the responsibility of parenting a child of their own, on their own, it is imperative to discuss their imminent desire to find a mate. For the women brave enough to bring a child into the world themselves, or to take on the responsibility of raising an orphan alone, it is equally as imperative to let someone know those wheels are in motion or that ship has sailed. For the single moms who never asked to do it themselves and for the childless women who just don’t have the desire to be a mother, the advice is still the same. Talk about it. This is true for men as well.

There are many topics you want to avoid early on in dating. Children are not one of them. What’s the point of even exploring the chemistry if you’re not on the same page here? You’re saving both yourself and the other person a lot of time, trouble, regret and disappointment if you get this topic out in the open early on. How? Just like you would any sensitive subject. Carefully.

Asking about someone’s family while you’re on a date is to be expected. It’s a fairly safe zone just as long as their family is no more dysfunctional than the next. Open with a simple, but direct question. “So are you close with your parents?” A great follow up is, “How about the rest of your family? Brothers? Sisters? Nieces or Nephews?” If they haven’t brought up having kids of their own you can nonchalantly ask, “So are you the type that likes to give the kids back at the end of the day or do you enjoy (the idea) of raising your own?”

Just remember that its necessary to talk about this early and honestly. Avoid delay, avoid dismay.

If you’d like guaranteed matches, and/or my personal coaching, support, direction and guidance please complete our Getting Started Form, HERE.

To read the PEW research, please click HERE.